See more articles, reviews, fiction and poetry, including more of my writings, at group blog PLUTO'S REALM.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Emptiness

I've been trying to get the top part of the background to this new blog template to turn black, hacking away at the html, but it stays pink regardless of my efforts. The Rufi are laughing.

Today had a sour start to it. Birds have covered my car with shit again, and there was no opportunity to wash it off. I'm still having trouble getting paid for all my collections at work. I still don't have an insurance card despite assurances, after almost five months of employment and four weeks of deductions. The more I learn about the websites I'm trying to build, the more frustrated I get.

The front of the duplex I'm renting is really ugly and getting worse. One of my old friends keeps borrowing minor sums of money and being really slow about returning them. It's frustrating trying to lose the weight I put on in a year or two of semi-involuntary lethargy. I worry about going to the doctor for the first time in years; what will he find? I constantly realize no one around me thinks at all like I do.

I have artistic visions I can't express; I don't have the talent. One of my favorite writers actually responded to my email. I wonder if my fellow Buddhists are making a mistake not being politically active, and whether I'm making the same mistake. I have visions of grinding metals and heat. I don't like all the thoughts that come through my head. I wonder if I'm crazy.
Sometimes I wonder if delusion is not better than seeing clearly, then I wonder if I know the difference. The United States is about to attack another country; no one is doing anything to stop it.

I cried when John Lennon was shot. He was my first hero.

This must be what blogs are like.

1 comment:

paulette said...

Yeah, you're in the fucked zone. I've spent too much time there. And all with a pink background besides. Things will get better. Funny you should mention John Lennon. I was just crying about him this week myself. Funny you should talk about delusion. course it's unavoidable, one delusion just deludes the next but I'm shooting for control of my delusions. That's my next big religion. Self-determined delusion-conscious and without shame. Going for the geographic cure. Only 30 days away, if I can keep Gabe alive that long. His 23 year old beautiful stripper friend slit her wrists and was found dead in a bathtub tonight. He's flipped again. Out driving my car drunk at 2 AM. We've all got to do better. We can. Turn the news off. The world is coming to an end, just not soon enough. Fucking bomb missed Cheney in Afghanistan. another national tragedy.