See more articles, reviews, fiction and poetry, including more of my writings, at group blog PLUTO'S REALM.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Alright for Now

This blog doesn't look right. It's not the way I made it to be. I never made the center so narrow, the margins so huge or so bright.

Everything on my computer looks wrong. The type is too small, too unclear. None of this is the way it was three weeks ago.

I don't know if it looks wrong because my computer has died and been resurrected three times now since Ms. Johnson died, or because the world has changed; or if I've just noticed that the world has changed because I'd been denying how bad things were getting. In four or five days after Ms. Johnson died, my computer died, then my phone died. Then I spent ten or twelve days battling an old demon, and I was held down by the throat til the end. I'm still fighting in fact, though I seem to be winning for now.

Right at the end of all that insanity, my young neighbor turned full blown paranoid schizophrenic, decided I (talking through the wall) was the source of the voices in his head. He assaulted me -- with an egg. He got diagnosed and sent away for awhile, but I feel he'll be back all too soon.

Too often I, too, have heard voices in this house that weren't there, heard music that came from nowhere, even when I went outside and searched. Maybe he's really not insane. Maybe the house is just haunted.

I was away from my job for seven days. They let me come back, smiled at me and stabbed me. I'm still there, bleeding, for now.

But there was consolation in this sadness, this insanity. I have a lot of friends, it seems. Two of the best came by near the end, house looking like a gorilla cage in Baghdad. One fixed this computer, twice. Everyone emailed; some of them got through. No one could call.

And Zen saved my life. The Nashville Zen Center has cooked itself down to a core group that are all people I care about. The chaff has been cast out from the center. The Board meeting on Saturday morning was the first thing I'd truly enjoyed in almost two weeks. But the peak came Sunday morning when Ana and I repeated our performance at the "Zen Meditation" segment of the Middle Tennessee Anime Convention. To see that there are people that age, in this doomed world, who can still be like that, is sweet light to me.

And then, when I came home, after I'd picked up Ms. Johnson's sweet cremated remains, a card from the Murphy Road Animal Hospita, consoling me for her loss. Yes it's a business practice. But it still warmed my heart.

A lot of things are going to change, soon. The look of this blog will change, but it still won't be right. I'm going to change, too; I've become harder and softer in ways that will never let me live as shallow. I know what's important to me, now; I am, and you are, you as you never knew you were.

And it still won't be right; it never will be. But it's alright for now.


Anonymous said...

hey bob. we have been so worried about you man. we called and called, i called at the firm and lori up front said you were off sick for a few days and didnt know if it was cool just to drop by to see you. we really started to but tara didnt think it might be appropriate just to drop in unannounced. i see alot of shit has been going on in your life and terribly sorry for all man. the job, its just a job man. we both know how those assholes are in that firm so please dont let those retards get you down anymore than you are, or were. but call us man, would love to hear from you. brian n tara

Anonymous said...

sorry to hear about all the stuff you"ve gone thru. life is a constant metamorphosis and we never seem to reach that place of truely being all we want to be. we change and grow and keep on learning from all of life's experience the bitter and the sweet.i'll keep you in my thoughts.